All it takes is a lonely person on a friday night, a dark room, a cold floor, some quiet music, and you have the perfect recipe for a suicide. Not that I usually think about such things, but at times, when we are completely detached from everything around us, our minds travel long distances looking for something not even they know what it is, or where they will find it.
And this time it's my turn.
I need your loving like the sunshine.
Once again I find myself surrounded by memories - faces and voices time does not manage to fade away; even though I put all my effort in forgetting I once was happy; even though it is barely possible to match my old self with the pathetic excuse for a person that's now lying on the floor.
I need your loving like the sunshine.
Feeling the coldness of the floor beneath me helps me think better. The universe is no more than a black box and im floating in it - music all around - nothing else to interfere. Suddenly I think "How wonderful would it be to melt with it", and I get soaked in a strange sense of warmth that flows through me.
I need your loving like the sunshine.
Blackness, cold, music and floor... I take a deep breath and hold it in... and hold it in... and I melt with it.
I've been feeling a bit sickly lately... like... when you're just about to get a really bad cold, you know, a bit feverish, sleepy, tired, there's not an inch of my body that doesn't feel the weight of this suddenly cold weather...
But, trully, the world is going bananas!!! it's like one day it's 30ºc and the next 10ºc!! we've had no in-between and this is killing me!! lento, duro y letal, like the song goes.
And, if that's not enough, I need to sleep. It's not that I miss sleeping anymore, or even that I want to sleep because I have nothing better to do.. I desperatly NEED it. Getting up early everyday and not going to bed till late every night is turning me into some sort of XXI century zombie who matches her shoes with her jacket and bag ((weird, huh??)) But as much as I would LOVE going to bed earlier... I can't!! there's always so much to do, so much to read and write... aaahhh... guess I shouldn't be complaining, really...
Before I get started, Kathleen,click hereto get access to the page where I got my template from ;) if you don't like those ones, just google "blogger templates" and you'll get lots of links=)
Now, let's jump into today's subject.
As the song very well says "and you begin to wonder why you came" ((how to save a life--> The Fray)) I think a friendship is coming to an end, sadly.
Do you know any of those people who never admit they are wrong?
I belong to the group of people who think that you get what you give, no matter what that is. But I also belong to the head strong group of people. Nontheless, this time I am convinced I did nothing wrong!
I know what you will say, that friendships don't just die from one day to another, that it takes two people to kill it and all that... and it is true... I should have said what I thought way before and maybe not let things get to this point... but as I said last time, I can't tell people what I think if it's a bad thing.
I am a very forgetful person, so that is why I never blame people for forgetting special dates or just simple things, like an exam or an appointment with the doctor ((when they don't call to see how that went, that is)). It's like, if I did get angry at them for that, it'd be like the saying "It's easier to see the straw in someone else's eye than the long in your own" So that is why I expect people not to get mad at me when I forget about something.
Maybe I am wrong at making these kind of assumptions, or whatever you want to call them. But then again, not all people are the same.
This friend of mine, a very dear friend, indeed, got massively upset because I texted her to see how she did in her first day at work, instead of calling her.
I didn't know how to react, specially since I learned about her thinking like that from her sister, who is also my friend.
Her exact words when I asked her how her sister was doing, because I had texted her and got no reaply whatsoever were "she is doing fine, but I think you two should talk because she feels very upset that you didn't call her". I couldn't believe my ears!! The very same person who's forgotten to call me for my birthday for the last two years is angry at me because I texted her instead of calling her?? That was just too much to bare.
My friends have always told me that I let way too many things slide and that I shouldn't.
I simply can't stay mad at a person for too long, but there's only so much ((and pardon my french)) crap I can take!!
I am not going to get started on all the things I've taken with a grain of salt over these past four years because that would be just wrong... my problems are with her and her alone, so I shouldn't expose them in here for everyone to read, but there comes a time when you have to say "enough is enough".
Even though I may not look so, I am a very patient person, and a friend told me the other day that I am quite an optimistic person, always trying to see the bright side of things, so it takes a while before someone upsets me because I am constantly looking for ways to defend that person. "He's had a bad day"... "She's going through a rough patch"... "She wasn't exactly at her best today", but I'm nobody's tissue!
My first reaction was not to call her, not only because I had done nothing wrong, but also because I knew she was going to see the whole thing soon and that she should try to contact me ((after all, I had also been given my entrance exam to university that same day and she hadn't called me to see how I had done either, so, again, she had no right to complain))
The next day I was already texting her, not saying anything like "forgive me for being such a bad friend and not calling", but just saying hey, long time no see, let's get together for a coffee one of these days. Besides, I had a friend from Australia staying over who had arrived the previous day, and that made it a bit difficult for me to get together for coffee with anyone! but I got no reply. At first, I thought that, again, she had not credit and therefore couldn't text me, and I knew she was working full hours from monday to saturday and that that may be the reason she wasn't texting me back, so during the following days I kept on texting her... but, again, no reply...
About two weeks after that, I get an sms from her saying she was sorry she hadn't replied before ((meaning she DID get all my messages)) and that she wanted to talk with me because she "was looking for some sort of reaction from me she never saw"...
What was I supposed to do if she didn't talk to me?? Go knocking on her door, begging her to do so??
For me, that was just too much to take... And this is where I match what I was saying at the beginning of the post with this...
Why do people feel like they have the right to demand what they don't give???
I know you don't do things only to get those things done for you.... but you don't complain if people don't do for you what you don't do for them!! And I am not talking about important things, like giving you money when you are unemployed and have to feed your kids, or being there when a relative dies... Just the way that I admitted it, you should all agree that this thing is, in itself, quite absurd!! and I don't feel --AT ALL-- like the 20-year-old girl that I am by doing it... It's like going back to highschool... But she is pushing me to it!
I won't apologize for something I didn't do, I simply won't take the blame this time.
Do you think I am not doing things properly?
It's not like I am not going to forgive her... it's just not about forgiveness ((who am I not to forgive someone? I am not in here to judge people, someone else will in due time and it certainly will not be me))... I am hurt... that's all... and, as I said, head-strong...
it's like that say uncle game ((guess that's the name... don't remember well))... she just can't always get away with what she wants...
Maybe I am overeacting, maybe I'm expecting too much from people, who knows... I just hope things get better...
It's the song I quoted at the beginning of the post and I feel like it's been written for this story... The video is also the video of that song ((I just like it too much ^^))
How awfully busy I have been during this past week!! But I can honestly, and with a hand on my chest, that it's been one of the best weeks ever :)
You may wonder what happened... it's rather simple, really... I started university again. I shall better explain myself because you must all think I'm talking nonsense here...
I suppose it's the same everywhere, but over here going to university after you've finished highschool is a must, especially among medium class families ((the thing with most medium class families here is that the first generation were immigrants living in one room and jammed together with another 10 people, the second generation managed to get their own house and live in the suburbs, and now us, the third generation have the oportunity of going to university, so it's not like we have the choice of not going, we sort of owe it to our families)) and in my case, I always wanted to study something, to get a degree, but I never thought much of it, so when time for me to make my choice, I had no idea and since I had been studying English for so long, then I would follow something related to it.
Teaching had never been my thing, so the teacher training course was instantly ruled out. I always wanted to be a cook, but everyone regarded it as a "silly thing to study" and said that I could take a cooking course any other time, and silly little me did as she was told.
So I jumped to the next in my weird priority line thing: Translation.
When I started asking people ((and the translation departament at Law School)) they told me that I better got my degree in Public Translation ((here, we call that way to the law-related translation career)) because that way I would not only be able to translate novels, movies and work in magazines, but also I would be able to work with legal stuff... and off I went.
I did two years in there, until I made the decision of leaving the place not because I was lazy and didn't want to study anymore, but because I didn't like law and studying something one hates for 7 years is a bit silly... most of all when you have the chance of studying whatever it is that you want to study!
As with everything, it's always easier to judge when you are an outsider, so everybody started giving their pinions on how bad it was of me to drop university ((but they don't know of the 3 months of therapy I had to undergo in order to make that decision))
Luckily everything went as hoped and this year I sat for my entrance exam to study, again, translation, but a literature-related one... and it's great!!
I know it's only been a week, but so far so good^^
I had my first real phonology class today, and it was quite hard! We have to learn a whole new alphabet that's so weird! and the symbols sound so weird!! We are not allowed to speak with american accent, so we have to "fake" a british one... we all sound rather funny^^
I have to admit I felt very very silly today repeating the sound of vowels... hehehehehe you lot should have heard me! But I trust that by the end of this year I'll be able to speak with a real british accent and not a fake, strange thing^^
That aside, I have all kinds of assignments... translation out of the way, I have to read a few short stories and a book ((note to self: try to get Girl in Hyacinth Blue on ebbay since it's not available ANYWHERE)) , write compositions and a few articles, do lots of exercises on register transfer and study british history:S lovely weekend ahead, huh??
Anyway everybody, I hope you can all enjoy this few days^^
People who simply can't help holding their tongues
It's taken me a while to admit that I suffer from a serious and not frecquently heard about condition... I just can't say spitefull things to people, even when some spite is deserved and rightly employed.
Some people have told me I am rather stupid when it comes to voicing opinions, but I simply can't say exactly what I mean exactly when I want to say it if it invloves hurting the other person's feelings, and that has caused me serious problems in the past.
For instance... a friend very dear to me once complained to me, saying that I "never talk about bad things" and even though I was burning inside to tell her that if I didn't say things it was only to protect her and her feelings, all I could say was "I'm sorry, that's the way that I'm made". Of course, that didn't improve matters one bit...
It all lies in the guilt we feel at making others feel down, at knowing that for any given reason you are ruining someone's day, at knowing that you will bring tears to their eyes.
To me that's just too much. No matter how badly a person has hurt me, I can't bare the thought of being the reason why they start crying. Maybe because I've had more than my share of crying in this life or maybe because I don't like kiwi fruit-like eyes... but my grandmother taught me not to do to others what I don't want done to myself. At the time I was a kid of no more than 6 years old and that really didn't make much sense ((nothing does when you're that age, except for chirstmas and new barbies)) but now I can see the wisdom behind her words.
But there is something missing to it... sometimes people need to be told when they are making a mistake, and that is not being cruel, but a lesson to learn. Recognizing your mistakes and having the courage to deal with them and fixing what needs to be fixed is probably one of the most important things in life. It's what I think what we are here for... to improve ourselves as much as we can, but sometimes we can't see our faults as easily as we spot other's... and there's where a true friend should come in.
Sadly for me, it's all theory but no work... I still have that guilty feeling inside everytime I bite my tongue before saying things, and I'm starting to believe I won't be able to sort this out. I can only hope for a true friend to come to me and help me see my flaws.
Have you ever asked someone if they knew what they were celebrating in easter?? I have and, surprisingly enough, most of them had absolutely no idea what this festivity is all about.
"It's got something to do with God" some would say. Others would just stick to a plain old "I've no idea, but I love chocolate, so I don't really care".
That's just another proof that people do whatever someone tells them to do. You just have to put it in a nice way, add some ribbons to it, and they will buy it happily.
Why did we move from the traditional egg ((the symbol of new life)) to a chocolate one?? Does chocolate mean anything in particular other than indigestion and spots?? Does it, magically, reunite the family??
I'm a catholic girl, even though I don't really practice religion. I've been brought up in a family in which religion is only handy when you need something that's quite out of reach, so probably that's why I have some weird ((to some)) ideas about this whole affair. And, besides, my dad belongs to the Greek church, which is basically the same, but some of their stuff do make more sense than ours ((but that is something I will talk about some other time))
I don't think I'm the only person in this universe that thinks Easter in the modern days has become another chance for selling things. When did we let that happen and why?? Why are people so blind? Why can't they see they are being told they are free when the truth is they are even telling us what we should belive in??
Nothing can survive globalization, and don't get me wrong, in some aspects globalization is an amazing thing. Not going any further, this thing I am doing right now would not be possible without it... but everything has a limit... and we seem to be pushing that line everytime we get any close to it.
This will probably not change the way we all see easter, it will definetly not make people stop buying easter eggs, but it's helped me keep my peace of mind by letting me say what I think without being singled out.
Once again I find myself creating a site I will most likely neglect in the near future... deadjournals, livejournals, blogs, fotologs, hi5, myspace... god knows I've done my best with all those... let's hope this time it's different^^
I'm just a bored girl ((should I say boring??)) trying to leave something in this world... trying to be remembered... and maybe ((why not)) trying to change someone's life or at least improve it in any way...
Music has always been really important for me. Every single grand event in my life has a particular song, and all of the ones I expect will soon happen also have a song ((like when you imagine something and you choose the perfect outfit, the perfect place, the perfect music and even the perfect scent)) .
The reason why I created this blog is simple... I want to share my music with the world. Sounds silly, huh?? It's not really... as I said before.. music has been there with me and it helped me go through lot's of things... and maybe there's someone out there in need of the same help. So! Every post will have a special song ((to me, at least)) and I sincerely hope you like it^^
Please, leave your comments, either saying you liked the song, you hated the song, you hate me ((why not?)) or whatever it is that you want to say. There's no communication if it's only me talking.
